Sugar, Sugar

Last week I started working out with a trainer and I think it's already starting to pay off. My blood sugar has been out of control and none of the medicine has helped. I felt that weight training would help along with cardio. In the last week my blood sugar went from 523 to 109 this morning! The medicine is playing its past but most of that has to be the workouts. I've been on the medicine without the workouts and the numbers were still high.

Back to work

Today was a better day. I sent back to work and it was cray cray but at least it's something that I can do well. My blood sugar was down today as well so that is a good sign.

Defeated and Depleted

I'm going to break with the intention of this blog briefly because as I said yesterday I feel like I'm being swallowed by a black hole. I see now that I dismissed the warnings on my trip. I had an unrealistic expectation. I was so looking forward to a week off of work. People had said but it's a lot of driving. I was like oh I won't be driving all that much. There are three drivers. Right, what I learned is whom ever owns the car will be the primary driver.

My expectation, the thing that kept me going, was I was going to be able to rest and recharge. I feel more depleted and more defeated then before vacation.  I'm so tired. I just want to curl up in bed and never have to get up.

I had incorrect expectations. I may have taken days of but it wasn't a rest and relax trip. It was a Spartan trip. Two opposing purposes.

The Black Hole

It's hard to commit to anything when I don't even want to commit to life. I feel that black hole life sucking feeling. I don't want to be around anyone. I don't want to get up. I just want to sleep forever. It takes to much energy to want anything else.

Back on track

It's been a week since I last posted. I'm not giving up on my goal. I knew this wouldn't be easy. It's very hard for me to stay present but I'm back on track starting right now.

Going through the motions

Is there a difference between commitment and going through the motions. I've been honoring my commitment but I don't feel like I'm putting in enough effort.

Maybe this is my perfectionist tendencies showing. I'm doing what I said I was going to do. Shouldn't that be good enough?

High Hopes

I had high hopes that my new medicine was going to work. Apparently it was only working because I incorrectly paired it with another insulin. Numbers are back up around 500. I'm feeling so dejected.

On another note is did my pick four today. I was pissed that I had to do it but I think that has more to do with my mood about the medicine. Today is one of those days where life is too hard, I don't want to do it anymore.

Today is one of those days that I want to check out and give up.